A new Pew Research Study has successfully confirmed the obvious. We are a polarized nation. And perhaps nowhere is that polarization more evident than in the sources we go to for news. The study, Political Polarization & Media Habits, analyzed survey data from respondents with a variety of ideologies to lay some interesting statistics on the table. After reading the results, in a rare moment of introspection, I wondered if I may be part of the problem. The sites they have correlated to conservatives are all my sites. Is it possible I am missing out on some insight?
By Professor Liberty Mize
Since the best way to sharpen your worldview is to challenge it, I decided I’d give the other side a shot. So I sought out some of the more popular lefty websites to see if I was buying what they were selling. Turns out I have been misinformed on a lot of things. I bet you have too.
Lesson 1- George H.W. Bush Founded ISIS
Turns out we’ve had it wrong for years. Our militant muslim brothers now fighting for ISIS just want to get along. Those peaceful little scamps were completely harmless until we went and riled them up. This piece from counterpunch.com clearly explains that we drew first blood, we laid sanctions on them, invaded Iraq and made them angry. The result was predictable, and entirely our fault.
Luckily the solution is just as clear, and also laid out in the article. After hearing their grievances, the U.S. should bow out of the region, leaving the General Assembly of the United Nations to take over. Once gone the U.S. “must give up our notions of exceptionalism; recognize the economic and societal misery our country caused in Iraq…[and] make reparations.”
This infidel was glad to be enlightened. The only question now is who do I make the check out to and where do I mail it? Also wondering if I should I also save time and lop off my head and throw that in the FedEx too? Let me know…
Lesson 2- The Midterms are Meaningless, Therefore Republicans Will Win
Salon.com taught me that elections don’t matter. The liberal stalwart is accepting defeat on behalf of Democrats while simultaneously discounting the Republican victory. In the cleverly titled Yeah, the GOP is evil and will win — but the midterms are meaningless the progressive website is saying that regardless of what happens in the mid-terms; the truth is that nothing will happen. Per their logic, savvy democrats proved their intellectual superiority this week by staying home.
It seems that Democrats understand that because of gridlock, to vote is a waste of their time. Simpleton Republicans don’t understand this universal and will probably still show up en masse at the polls, but don’t be fooled.
Conservative ideals are wrong, even when validated by election results. So Salon is already beating the “there is nothing to see here” drum pre-emptively it seems. Also worth noting: Salon.com thinks Mitch McConnell is a conservative.
Lesson 3- Ferguson is a Warzone
In Making sure Ferguson never happens again Joe Scarborough of Politico helps put the race-based temper tantrums in Missouri into perspective. The MSNBC talking head writes that “The people of St. Louis County have endured a long, hot August punctuated by protests, riots, looting and streets that looked more like Fallujah than Ferguson.” Right. I’m sure our military men who served in Iraq would agree it’s exactly the same.
Not content with penning insulting similes, Scarborough goes on to inform us of some muslim peer pressure we may wish to consider. He notes that because of our behavior in Ferguson, “The generals of Egypt and the ayatollahs of Iran have joined a chorus of dictators who have seized on the grim images of August to condemn our country.”
Yet again, it seems we are blowing our Middle East BFF strategy. This is profoundly disappointing; particularly after all the ground we have gained with our “citizen of the world” president leading the charge to repair our image abroad.
Lesson 4- Ebola is Vulnerable to Bureaucrats
President Obama has named Ronald Klain as our Ebola Czar. Thankfully Politico has fully vetted Klain and assures us that this is a “good appointment”. In Yes, Ebola Is Scary. But the System Is Working it is revealed that foolhardy alarmist should stand down. Klain, by leveraging his acumen in coordinating various government agencies has “got this”.
“So what if he didn’t get an M.D./Ph.D. in epidemiology from Harvard? His lack of medical expertise may even be an asset.” That’s comforting. But not as comforting as veteran Washington insider Klain’s true claim to fame. The very same article informs us he rose to prominence as “a widely respected former chief of staff to Vice President Joe Biden.”
Widely respected? Joe Biden? What could possibly go wrong?
Lesson 5- Y-Chromosomes and All Who Acknowledge Them Are Bigots
Finally it is time for a biology lesson. The DailyDot is convinced that transgendered people actually change their DNA somewhere along the way. The article Laverne Cox is a woman—and publishing transphobia is a disgrace to us all clues us in that to deny this fact is “no different than pointing to the rising and setting of the sun as clear evidence that the earth is the center of the universe. “ So there you go. In case you still aren’t sold, the article reminds us that to come to any other conclusion makes you an unabashed misogynist who “ignores science”. It’s just good science here people, get on board!
There you have it. Five examples representing just a small sampling of all the great “news” that is out there on the interweb, waiting to enlighten misogynist, infidel cavemen like us. I hope you’ve learned something, I know I have. There are many terabytes more if you have the stomach for it. Remember what you learned here today and if Pew Research ever comes a-knockin’ let them know that Professor Mize already hooked you up.